The Lover’s Baedeker and Guide to Arcady - ebook

Contents

ARCADY AND ITS ENVIRONS

PRELIMINARY INFORMATION

TOPOGRAPHY

TIME’S VALENTINE

THE LAY OF LOTHARIO LEE

HISTORY

ARCADIA

ARCADY

FLORA

THE ARCADIAN LANGUAGE OF FLOWERS

HOTELS

HEARD IN ARCADY

DITHYRAMB BY AN ARCADIAN POET

CONVEYANCES

SHOPS

INSTITUTIONS AND PUBLIC BUILDINGS

BALLADE OF ARCADY

AMUSEMENTS

LANGUAGE

SOME ARCADIAN BROMIDIOMS

EXERCISE FOR THE LANGUAGE STUDENT

DEGREES OF LOVE

DEFINITIONS

LOVE IN ARCADY

INSENSIBILITY

POLITICAL NOTES

ARCADIAN LAWS

COSTUMES

WALKS

BUSINESS SECTION

IT HAPPENED IN ARCADY

CALAMITOUS CATASTROPHE

ADVERTISEMENTSPRELIMINARY INFORMATION

Over the hills and far away lies Arcady, the Mecca of all Lovers, and therefore the place where Journeys End. Situated on a large tract of enchanted ground, in the Country of Agapemone, Arcady is a beautiful and interesting place, and should be visited by every tourist making the Grand Tour of Life.

Even the shortest sojourn here will yield rich rewards of interest and pleasure, and will contribute more than long years of study to a thorough enjoyment and comprehension of all that is best in life.

The majority of the human race sooner or later find Arcady for themselves, some seeking it with a steadfast purpose, others blindly stumbling into it all unexpectedly.

But to the traveler who would enjoy intelligently its delights, the following hints may not come amiss.

ARCADIATOPOGRAPHY

The Province of Arcadia, whose capital is Arcady (see map No. 1), is bounded on the North by the Land of Heart’s Desire, from which it is separated by the Happy Valley.

On the East it is bounded by the Gulf of Time, across which dimly may be seen, in the distance, the Garden of Eden.

On the West by the Mountains of Opposition, beyond which is the Gulf of Dark Despair.

Along the Southern Shores murmur the lapping wavelets of the Sea of Dreams, whose wonderful phenomenon of Mirage often deceives even an experienced traveler.

Routes: Travelers may approach Arcady by several routes. One of the pleasantest is the Joy Line, by which passengers are carried across the Sea of Dreams in Transports of Rapture.

Another approach, preferred by adventurous ones in search of excitement, is across the Seas of Misunderstanding, through the troubled waters of the Gulf of Wo, and over the difficult and well-nigh impassable Mountains of Opposition. However, when these mountains are safely crossed the way is delightful and easy.

Roads out of Arcady: The Road to Fame often leads out of Arcady. An ambitious youth, hearing a silvery trumpet note, looks up to see a radiant Goddess beckoning to him. Unless a true Lover, he may be dazzled by her glory and cajoled by her promises. Lured away, he follows the fickle Fair and soon loses all interest in Arcadian delights.

The Road to Wealth is another easy way out of Arcady. Not content with the Pot of Gold at the End of the Rainbow, many with a greed for lucre will follow the Goddess Fortune, who is even more false and fickle than the Goddess Fame.

Also there is the Downward Path, which leads from the State of Matrimony to the Great Divide. Crossing this, the unfortunate traveler returns to the State of Single Blessedness.

Season: Arcady is an all-the-year-round resort, and most of the districts described may be visited at any season of the year. Spring and Early Summer are perhaps best for an initial visit.

June is an especially desirable time for young lovers to be in Arcady, but Lovelorn Swains and Minor Poets frequently choose the melancholy days of Autumn.

Climate: The Climatic conditions of Arcady are peculiar. Though usually the weather is balmy and pleasant, sometimes a sudden coolness springs up and a frost is often distinctly felt. A stormy time may ensue, and then suddenly the clouds clear away and all is sunshine once more.

Time: Time in Arcady is entirely a matter of opinion. To a waiting Lover the minutes are hours and lag slowly along, while to happy hearts a golden day flies by as if on wings.

It is said that Love makes Time pass away, and Time makes Love pass away; but the latter statement is obviously an error, for after Love has made Time pass away, how can Time do anything to Love?

However, ’tis Love that makes the world go round, and this explains why Love makes Time pass so rapidly.

“FOREVER––NEVER

NEVER––FOREVER”

Watches are of little use in Arcady, as the Lovers deem them always too slow or too fast, and usually forget to wind them, anyway. The town timepiece is the Old Clock on the Stairs, whose refrain is:

Forever–Never–

Never–Forever–

Forever and Never are the units of time most employed by Arcadians, and their meanings are synonymous.

Time when Lovers are separated is measured by ages; when together, it is not measured at all, as then the hours unheeded fly, or speed on winged feet.

Sun dials and Moon dials are approved, as they mark the bright hours only.TIME’S VALENTINE

’Twas St. Valentine’s Day, and Father Time

Said, “I think I’ll scribble a bit o’ rhyme,

To send to the sweetest maid on earth.”

And the old fellow chuckled in roguish mirth.

He reached for his inkhorn and quill, then said,

As he absently nodded his wise old head,

“But what maiden is gentle and sweet and fine

Enough to be my Valentine?

There’s a musical girl in Kalamazoo,–

But I hear she beats Time, so she won’t do;

There’s a fair New York girl, proud and calm,

But they say she kills Time without a qualm!

A pretty clubwoman I saw one day,

But “I won’t have Time,’ I heard her say.

For one of those summer girls I yearn;

But they declare they “have Time to burn.’

There are lovely girls in a Southern clime,

But they sweetly admit that they waste Time,

While the bustling woman, with manners curt,

Takes Time by the forelock, and that does hurt.

On the Boston maiden I make no claim,

To improve Time seems to be her aim.

And I heard an old spinster contriving a plan

Say, “I’ll try to get Time as soon as I can.’

So none of these whom I’ve mentioned yet

A Valentine from Time shall get.

But I’ve in mind a maiden who,

When a fond lover came to woo,

Just blushed and hung down her pretty head,

And “Give me Time!’ was all she said.

By Cupid, that’s the maid for me!

To her my Valentine shall be.”

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